Who reads which newspaper?

THE ORIGINAL (1987)
Jim Hacker: "Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers":

* The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country;
* The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country;
* The Times is read by people who actually do run the country;
* The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country;
* The Financial Times is read by people who own the country;
* The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country;
* And the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it already is.

Sir Humphrey: "Prime Minister, what about the people who read the Sun?"

Bernard Woolley: Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.

THE (2009) UPDATE BY STEVE PUNT & HUGH DENNIS

The episode from 14 August 2009 - Steve Punt & Hugh Dennis's "The Now Show":

* The Times is read by the people who run the country;
* The Daily Telegraph is read by the people who think they run the country;
* The Guardian is read by the people who have run the country for the past 12 years and realised they're blown it;
* The Independent is read by people who got to the newsagents after they'd run out of The Guardian and The Times;
* The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country;
* The Express is read by Marcus Brigstocke to wind himself up;
* The Mirror is read by the people who vote for the people who read the Guardian and have now blown it.
* The Sun is read by people who'll vote for people who'll run the country to suit the people who read the Financial Times while somehow convincing themselves that those people will give a toss about the people who buy The Sun the moment the election's over;
* And The Star is read very ... slowly ... with your lips moving.